It can be unconditional love. Conditional and unconditional parental love

The vast majority of parents believe that conditional love is true parental love.

One client story:“I was an active and apparently naughty child. Parents swore, periodically took up the belt, but I still continued to indulge, play with my girlfriends. My parents wanted to see me as an obedient home child, which I strongly opposed. At some point, my mother began to talk that if I did not start to obey her, then they would hand me over to Orphanage. They don't need a daughter like that. I think that I did not take these conversations seriously, as it turned out in vain. When I was six years old, my girlfriends and I played in the neighboring yard. I returned home much later than the “allowed” time. I was very afraid of my mother's reaction, but that evening she did not arrange anything. She just looked at me angrily and said, "I warned you."

I thought it had passed, but two days later my mother dressed me, collected my things and we went to some institution. It turned out that this is a children's boarding school. Mom said that she couldn't handle me and that she was leaving me here to "think" about my behavior.

I stayed in the boarding school for a week. I remember every day. There were no problems with the children living in the boarding school, but I clearly remember the horror and panic that seized me. I felt lonely and unwanted, abandoned. For me it was just a shock.

Mother came a week later and asked me what I thought. I burst into tears and begged her to take me out of here. I promised that I would be obedient and not upset her. In general, I begged for forgiveness, they returned me home. Since then, I have become obedient, passive and sad. I was terribly afraid of at least something to upset my mother, because then she would refuse me. Since then, I have lived all my life with the feeling that no one needs me and the fear that they will leave me.

Many years later, I found out that my mother was not going to leave me in a boarding school. She agreed with her friend to leave me for a week in a boarding school in educational purposes. I expected that this week I would take up my mind and become obedient. She had no idea how this week affected my future life ... "

For a child, the love of parents, and especially the love of a mother, means more than just love. For a child, this is an opportunity to live!

If you've read books on parenting, the idea of ​​"unconditional love" - ​​loving a child without any conditions - always runs the red line. Installation: "whatever you do - I still love you!" This gives the child permission to live, and this forms the basic well-being setting "I +".

When raising a child, parental love acts as both encouragement and punishment. So-called conditional love. The essence of this mechanism is as follows:

I love you if you do what I like, what I think is right and useful. For a child, this means that when he follows the wishes of his parents, he receives the love of his parents. Hence, permission to live and consider oneself "good".

If a child does something that the parents think is wrong, then they demonstrate their dislike for him. They reject the child, punish them, demonstrate in every possible way that he is “bad”. Not the love of parents is perceived by the child as the impossibility of living. That if he is bad, they do not like him, then they will not take care of him and this will lead to sad consequences for him.

Gradually, a model of “correct” behavior begins to form, in which a person will consider himself “good”. And “wrong” behavior, which means that if a person behaves this way, then he is “bad”.

Thus, parents use love as a positive reinforcer and dislike as a negative reinforcer. This is a conditioned reinforcement mechanism at the personality level. For a child, this means that when he behaves “correctly”, his parents love him at that moment, which means that he can consider himself “good”. If he behaves “wrongly”, then his parents demonstrate that they do not like “such a child”, and accordingly the child will feel “bad”.

What does conditional parental love lead to?

First of all, to the fact that the child develops a basic attitude: parents do not need “I-” as I am. But if I behave "correctly", then my parents will love me "I + under certain conditions." And if I behave “wrong”, then I am not worthy of love. “I am because I did not fulfill the conditions for receiving love.”

How it works

Parents want to be proud of the child, his development, especially grades in school. If a child gets a four, or God forbid a three, then it is not necessary to beat the child or yell at him. The mother may simply stop talking to the child. Say something like “this is not what my father and I expected from you”, and then demonstrate “coldness” towards the child. He, in turn, will conclude that in order for my mother to love me, I must get fives. It doesn't matter if you like the subject or not. This is how the syndrome of an excellent student is formed.

Parents have emotional problems, tightness of emotions. Usually for such people, the manifestation of emotions by other people is extremely uncomfortable, so parents do not approve of the child's games. Noise, prank. They can simply show their displeasure so that the child will understand that when he shows spontaneity, this causes irritation of the parents. Therefore, it is likely that he will decide to be a “right” child, that is, obedient, restraining emotions.

Parents are extremely concerned about "what other people will say." Therefore, they try to behave “correctly” in public so that no one thinks bad things. A child who does not yet know what is "correct" tells in kindergarten how mom and dad fought. And this is then passed on to the parents, who work on the child for a long time on the subject of “what will they think of us now”. Or just a mother tells the child all the time, look, people are looking at us, what they will think. And all this with irritation. Finally, hello shyness!

Parental love is one of the main tools by which parents shape the self-esteem and character of the child. Moreover, most parents are sincerely confident in the correctness and necessity of such an approach. Although in fact it is easier for the parents themselves. Easier to control the child. It is easier to form autonomous mechanisms that will control the behavior of heirs, without the participation of parents.

The vast majority of parents believe that conditional love is true parental love. And then they wonder why the child perceived it in a completely different way, more often, as the fact that he did not feel love from his parents, felt unnecessary.

In my opinion, it is important for parents to understand how the child perceives their relationship and its impact. Because often parents strive to do “the best”, and the child develops problems that he will have to live with for the rest of his life. And in order to change your life, you will have to get rid of many mechanisms formed under the influence of parental conditional love.published

Boris Litvak

LOVE

There are so many meanings in this word, as, probably, in no other. The main definitions are taken from the book by E. From " THE SOUL OF A HUMAN"

Unconditional love — "I'm loved for who I am " or "I am loved because I am ". It cannot be achieved, deserved, created, it cannot be controlled. If it is, it is like a blessing, its absence is like if all its charm has gone out of life.

Baby love follows the principle“I love because I am loved.

Mature love is based on the principle"I am loved because I love."

Immature love says:"I love you because I need you."

mature love says:"I need you because I love you."

Conditional love — love on certain conditions.

Her motto is "I love you because you meet my expectations."

This love must be earned. You can lose it if you don't live up to expectations.

Mother's love- love for the helpless.

Fraternal - love of equals. By brotherly love, I mean a sense of responsibility, care, respect, a desire to help in life. This is the kind of love that the Bible talks about: "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22; 39; Mark 12; 31). In brotherly love, the experience of union with all people is achieved. Brotherly love is based on the feeling that we are all one. Love for the weak, the poor, the stranger is the beginning of brotherly love.

If a person loves one of the people, but indifferent to everyone else, his feeling is not love, but just a symbiotic attachment, in other words, extended selfishness. Most people believe that love is defined by the object, not the ability. That they don't love anyone Besides "beloved" they consider proof of the power of their love.

In fact, love is an activity, a spiritual force. If I love one person, then I love all people, the whole world, life.

Erotic love there is a longing for complete fusion, union with one person. This desire is by its nature exclusive and not universal..

Possibly the most deceitful form of love. Most of the people who are engaged in Tantric technique in groups sometimes gain a large charge of sexual energy, in the depths of their souls hoping to find among the seekers, love and exhausts both oneself and the other. Sexual attraction creates for a moment the illusion of connection. However, without love even " connecting “People remain as alien as before. Because of this, people are ashamed and sometimes even hate each other. If erotic love is not at the same time fraternal love, it will not lead to any union other than an orgiastic, passing one. Testing has shown that people attending tantric techniques, in fact don't love themselves and are in a state of disunity with their body. As a result, a person gets addicted to these tantric energies like a drug, and he is constantly drawn to these groups. These energies are enough for several days, and there is a craving for recharging similar to vampirism.

One form of pseudo love, quite common and often encountered (and even more often described in films and novels) as "great love"- idolatrous love. If a person in his development has not reached the level when he is aware of himself, his individuality, rooted in the fruitful development of one's own strengths, then he is inclined "worship" beloved person, to make an idol out of him. He is alienated from his own forces and directs them to the beloved person, whom he worships as the highest good, as the bearer of all love, all light, all bliss. Thus, he deprives himself of the feeling of his power, loses himself in his beloved, instead of finding himself..

Since usually no one can for a long time satisfy the expectations of the one who worships him, sooner or later disappointment- and in order to console himself, a person is looking for a new idol.

And so, sometimes ad infinitum.

Another form of pseudo love- "love", which can be called "sentimental". Its essence is that the experience of love only happens in dreams rather than in everyday relationships with a real person. The most widespread manifestation of this form of love is the surrogate love satisfaction experienced by the consumer of screen and love magazine stories and love songs.

neurotic love- the use of projection mechanisms in order to get away from your own problems and do it instead shortcomings and « weaknesses" "beloved » person . In this respect, individuals behave in the same way as groups, nations, or religions. They notice even the slightest flaws in another person. and remain blissfully ignorant of their own shortcomings, always trying to blame or remake the other.

If both do it - and most of the time it does., then their relationship in love turns into a relationship of mutual projection.

If I am powerful, indecisive or greedy, I blame my “beloved” for this, and depending on my character, I want to either correct or punish him.

Another does the same — and thus both manage to get away from their own problems therefore they cannot take any steps to develop their own personality.

Another form of projection is projecting one's own problems onto children. First of all, this often manifests itself in the fact that a person wants something for his children. In such cases, this desire is primarily due to the projection of their own life problems onto the life of the child. When a person feels that he cannot find the meaning of his life, he tries to put this meaning into the lives of his children. But here he is doomed to failure for himself and for the children. For oneself, because everyone must solve the problem of existence himself, not give power of attorney to solve it. For children, because what kind of person lacks the qualities necessary to guide a child in his own search for an answer. Children serve for the purpose of projection even when the question of divorce arises among the unfortunate spouses. The fallback argument for the parents of such a situation is that they cannot disperse in order to deprive their children of the happiness of a single home. But in any such case, a detailed analysis would show that the atmosphere of tension and happiness in such a “one” family does more harm to children than an open break, which can at least show them that a person is capable of ending an intolerable situation by taking a bold step. solution.

There is another common misconception that needs to be mentioned. It is an illusion that love necessarily excludes conflicts. Real conflicts between two people, which do not serve as a means to hide or "project" experiences on a deep level of the inner reality to which they belong, do not have a detrimental effect. They lead to clarity, generate catharsis, enriching people with knowledge and strength.

If people have reached such a level of development that they perceive the other as their mirror image and change themselves, which helps to eliminate the causes of conflicts. Even if only one of the two is ready for change.

Love is possible only when two people communicate (with each other in reality). deep level existence, and therefore each of them experiences himself on this level. Only here, in this “deep” experience, is human reality, vitality, the foundation of love laid. Love experienced in this way is a constant challenge, it is not a place to rest, but a movement, development, teamwork. And even whether harmony or conflict, joy or sadness in the relationship of two gives, is of secondary importance compared to the main thing, that two people experience themselves from the very depths of their existence, that they are one with each other. due to the fact that they are one with themselves, and do not run away from themselves. There can be only one proof of the presence of love - the depth of the relationship, the vitality and strength of each of the two. This is the fruit by which love is recognized.

To love means to make commitments without demanding guarantees, to surrender without reserve to the hope that your love will give rise to love in a loved one.

Love is an act of faith, and whoever believes weakly loves weakly.

Obstacles to finding love are, among other things, hooks for role-playing games;

1. Hook for the role of a man who yearns for love;

2. A hook for the role of a person who loves only unconditional love;

3. Hook for the role of a person who loves only; conditioned love;

4. A hook for the role of a person who does not know how to love; unable to love;

5. A hook for the role of an ugly person who has nothing to love;

6. Hook for the role of a person who refuses all love;

7. Hook for the role of a person who is obliged to love:

8. Hook for the role of a person who condemns love;

Since hatred is the opposite of the feeling of love, many reasons can be hidden in hatred.

1. Hook for the role of a person who hates everyone, everything and himself;

2. A hook for the role of a person who does not accept hatred in anyone, in anything, or in himself;

3. A hook for the role of a person who condemns hatred in everyone, in everything and in himself;

4. A hook for the role of a person who is afraid of being rejected;

5. A hook for the role of a person who must earn, deserve love for himself;

6. Fear that they do not love me;

7. A hook for the role of a person who is afraid that he will never, and no one will love him;

8. A hook for the role of a person who forbids himself to be loved.

An obstacle to finding love can also be "veil of loneliness" as a consequence of the hook for the role of a lonely person who does not need anyone and nothing, refusals to communicate with anyone, anything in this life or in previous incarnations.

In addition, there are »corollas of celibacy". They appear and dress when, on a whim or self-interest, other people's families were destroyed in this life or in previous incarnations.

There are a number of other reasons, including: the role of a victim of circumstances: attempts to force love; the desire to pass off the apparent as real; the image of the guilty; the image of the enemy, vows of celibacy, chastity belts, oaths of allegiance, love spells, vampiric and necrotic channels, lack of primordial energy, lack of goals and meaning in life, and much more.

As far as a person knows himself, removes role-playing games from himself, removes the reasons that prevent him from loving, to the extent that he will have opportunities and abilities.

It is necessary to remove the role of a person playing in love, since a game is not life, but just a game and passion for the game interferes with gaining true feelings and the ability to live in love and playing in love, then often regrets about their games.

Just remember, you can't force anyone. In all companies, trying to turn the conversation in a positive direction is the key to the inexhaustibility of your resources.

Captive or dependent

A person often does not notice how he becomes a prisoner or dependent, and then it is not he who controls his fate, but the one or thing to which freedom is given. Capturing is easy, but getting free requires effort, sometimes significant. Failures happen when they try with all their might to correct themselves from the source of inconvenience, forgetting about their own negative baggage. Very often you hear ‘I’m so (so) good, but I got it for nothing.’ Many people forget about their thoughts, words, deeds.

It is human nature to remember only what is beneficial.

Many do not take into account or are unaware of their deeds in past lives. The question is often asked: how to define that. what came from past lives?

The answer is always surprisingly simple - everything that you don’t like about someone or something is your problems that you created, you must know from which incarnation this problem is. Just test the age of the cause and your body will tell you the answer.

The main thing is that - what vibrates inside you - is your stone, which you can drive inside yourself, and someday, the amount of hidden stones will begin to tear us apart or remove this stone from ourselves and become free.

"Conditional" and unconditional love

One of the dangerous attitudes about love is connected with the idea that love is given for something, that it must be earned, it must be fought for. In short, love is the reward for good behavior. In this case, there is a mixture of social and emotional levels in the relationship. If love is money, then, of course, it must be earned.

This attitude of "conditional love" is formed in childhood enough in a simple way. For example, a mother says to her child: “If you don’t eat this porridge, I won’t love you” or “If you’re naughty, I’ll give you to someone else’s uncle.” In this case, the child enters conflict situation: either be yourself, but there is a risk of being left without love, or meet parental expectations for the sake of their love. And for a child, love is a vital necessity, no less than food and security. This is how the psychology of the “obedient child” is formed with an internal split between the “good” and the “bad” part of oneself. Love for him appears as a means of manipulation, it can be given, or it can be taken back.

Later, when a person grows up, he begins to be guided by mottos that are a consequence of the concept of "conditional love" taught in childhood. This attitude forms a scenario according to which a person is doomed not only not to love anyone, but also not to let others love him. Here are just some of the mottos that he is guided by in the future. They follow logically from the concept of love taught by parents.

1. Don't love anyone just like that. That is, if love is money, then money is not just handed out. Therefore, love must be protected, accumulated and given only to those who deserve it. And in general, first you need to check how reliable my alleged “object” of love is. Maybe some crook will get caught. I will give him my love, and he will hide with it or exchange it for something else.

2. Do not ask for it, do not tell anyone that you need love and warmth. If you open up to another, then this will show your dependence on his love. He will begin to twist ropes out of you, manipulate you (like parents in childhood). Therefore, you must pretend that you do not really need his love.

3. If you were given warmth, do not accept and do not show that you needed it. This is a very dangerous technique when someone tries to give their love for free (!) There is clearly some kind of dishonest game, no matter how later you have to pay for it. Therefore, just in case, it is better not to succumb to provocation. As a last resort, take it, but as if you are doing a favor.

4. If you don't get the kind of love you like, - don't reject it, but take it and hide it. Love is always a treasure, only fools can refuse it. There are times when a man tells a woman that he loves her, but she does not like him. But they give “money”, and suddenly no one else will offer, so you will have to regret all your life. And the woman agrees to live with the unloved. but receiving love from him.

5. Don't love yourself. My personality alone is of little value. Self-love is of little value, the main thing is the love of others. To do this, you need to meet their expectations. Sometimes they say: “Why should I love myself? I have nothing of value."

As you can see, it is extremely difficult to get through to such a person with love. If we talk about true love, then it is by its very nature unconditional. Love arises for a person not as a function or role, but about his uniqueness and uniqueness. Love is not for something, and sometimes even in spite of something. From here good news: the fight for love is already over! Everyone has a uniqueness, therefore, in order to be loved, nothing special needs to be done. You don't even have to be "good" for another: "good" is harder to love, because its uniqueness is closed.

3. Unconditional love Unconditional love is the basis of a strong relationship with a teenager.