What to do when a teenager lies to his parents. A teenager is lying - what to do? Reasons for lying in teenagers

As children grow up, more complex problems of their upbringing appear, the solution of which sometimes requires patience and time from parents. This is especially true of adolescence, which is so deeply and painfully experienced by a child. The MedAboutMe portal will tell about the problems of deception and theft of a teenager.

The ability to lie manifests itself in a child simultaneously with the ability to speak correctly and coherently, by the age of 3-4. At the same time, it should be remembered that at this age the lie of the baby is connected with checking the boundaries of what is permitted and learning about the world around. In preschool and adolescence, children resort to untruth consciously if they want to stand out from their classmates, avoid ridicule from their peers, and get away from a well-deserved punishment. If a teenager is caught in a lie, first of all, you should maintain peace of mind. It is necessary to understand what reasons and circumstances motivated him, what fears and problems he experiences. Take your time with punishment, audit your relationship with your offspring.

• A trusting relationship with a child is the key to success and the most effective way to correct the situation. This is where the practice of conversation and active listening can help.
• If a teenager does not want to share personal secrets, respect his choice, do not push. The time will come, he will appreciate it and, perhaps, share his secrets.
• Do not provoke lies with questions with pre-known answers, for example: “Have you prepared an essay?”, “Did you finish your homework?”. The teenager will start to get out that he has done almost everything, or there is still time for this, or he will simply lie. Replace such questions with phrases beginning with “I noticed…” and offer to help. Say, “I noticed that you didn’t finish your essay. Can I help you?"
• Reduce child overprotection. Total control can lead to withholding the real picture of life from parents in order to avoid trials and accusations from adults. Set rules for each action that all family members must follow. If a teenager, for example, is late and does not have time to return by a certain hour, then set a rule - be sure to call home. No one will do household chores if the child to whom they are entrusted is lazy or does not find the time. Do not feel sorry for him, otherwise he will come up with a thousand reasons for refusing to work, knowing that he will be replaced. Knowing the severity of the established rules, the offspring will not have to resort to lies, because this will not help. Naturally, this does not apply to cases of malaise or illness.
• A child's low self-esteem can also be a reason for lying. Explain that his parents' love for him is unconditional, independent of his accomplishments and successes. And take steps to improve his self-esteem. Adolescence is best experienced in the presence of hobbies and hobbies.
• Do not be hypocritical yourself and do not lie at home, try to set a personal example of truthfulness. Remember, the child copies the lifestyle of the parents. And if he has already witnessed a lie from your lips, then explain why in this case you are telling a lie.

Parents noticed the loss of money in the wallet or new clothes from a teenager, the money to purchase which he did not have. What to do in this case? Inadequate reaction of parents and punitive measures (house arrest, assault, scandals) can only worsen the situation - teenagers are closed from communication and move away even more. First of all, parents need to remember that adults themselves at least once in childhood took someone else's thing, but did not become thieves. Then take this problem calmly and seriously, considering a number of points.

• Often teenagers see stealing as the only way to get what they want. Perhaps he doesn’t have enough pocket money, and as an alternative to simply increasing the content, he can be offered to earn extra money: a courier, a babysitter on vacation, a cleaner, a postman, assist in walking dogs, etc.
• Do not provoke the child with scattered amounts of money anywhere. Firstly, he may be tempted to take a couple or three bills, suddenly no one will notice. Secondly, a disdainful attitude towards money is brought up. If they are lying around uncontrollably, then there are a lot of them and they are not really needed by adults. Find a secluded place for money and jewelry.
• If a teenager is experiencing a lack of attention from their parents, then stealing may be the answer. After all, mom and dad will drop everything and rush to help him out of trouble. Hurt adults to get their attention - it's so childish. In this case, revise your relationship with your offspring, try to surround him with attention and care, talk, tell the story of your growing up.
• The desire of a teenager to prove his belonging to the company, to establish himself among his peers can lead to theft. As a rule, they visit supermarkets in a big noisy company, pushing each other to steal. If the child is driven by just such a motive, let him take full responsibility for his act. Adolescents who have completed their life school on time most often stop stealing.
• Having noticed other people's things at home, ask a question about their origin - be sure to find out where they came from and to whom they belong. A teenager in your presence should call their owner and confirm the location of things. If the offspring insists on the version of the gift, then it must be checked - it is necessary to contact the donor's parents and clarify this fact. In case this turns out to be true, apologize to your teen and explain that it's too early to accept expensive gifts from friends at their age.
• If the item is nevertheless stolen, make every effort to return it. Let the child return it to its place. If it is impossible to return safe and sound, determine the monetary equivalent of the cost and pay it to the injured party. Of course, not forgetting to keep the necessary amount from the child's pocket money later.
• If you know for sure about the fact of the theft, and the teenager does not confess, do not drive him into a trap. It is better to tell a story from your childhood, share your memories and feelings. The child will intuitively understand that you know everything and will be grateful for the calmness and patience shown.

Adolescence reveals all the shortcomings in the upbringing of children

Adolescence is a period of manifestation of all the shortcomings and problems in raising children in the family. Of course, much is explained by hormonal changes, but adolescence is easier to experience if initially trusting relationships have developed in the family, the child is initially used to sharing his problems with adults, his mother or father are authorities for him if he knows that he is loved and is sure of outside help parents without unnecessary notations and teachings on their part.

If in children a lie is positively associated with intelligence and reflects its development, in younger schoolchildren it indicates a special orientation of intellect, then in adolescents a lie, on the contrary, is more likely with low rather than high intelligence. At the same time, adolescents certainly lie more skillfully than younger children. They can already anticipate the possible questions of parents and prepare acceptable answers to them.

With age, a person understands the value of trust more and more, can better predict the results of his actions, and therefore a teenager’s lie more often reflects trouble in the family than a lie at an earlier age, when it can be part of the child’s study of the immediate environment and exploration of the limits of his own capabilities.

The lie of a teenager indicates that, due to some circumstances, he does not value the feeling of intimacy (perhaps there is simply no such thing in the family), although, unlike younger children, he understands well what it is. But this does not mean that teenagers will not lie if they have a good relationship with their parents. Sometimes they love their parents so much and are so afraid of upsetting them that they themselves drive themselves into a corner with lies. How often a lie will be repeated depends on many circumstances, including the fear of a son or daughter of losing the love and trust of their beloved parents, as well as a complete lack of desire to restore trust. In any case, the consequences of lying at this age are more serious than at an earlier period in a person's life.

Adolescents differ from younger children in a fundamentally different level of understanding of the events of the external world. The teenager develops formal thinking, that is, the ability to think in complex categories and correlate events with the context in which they occur. At this age, most of them learn that the truth is not absolute, that knowledge is reliable only to a certain extent, that over time, scientists will find new facts that can refute the current picture of the world. For the majority, this knowledge leads to a rethinking of the whole picture of the world. They try to resolve the dilemma: "If you can't tell the truth from the lies, if you can't be sure who's right and who's wrong, then is a right choice even possible?"

Depending on previous experience and the possibility of sincere communication with parents, they can come to fundamentally different conclusions. For example, not being able to choose between different positions, they can give equal importance to all points of view. As a result, adolescents lose respect for authority and, above all, question the correctness of their parents' judgments. For the same reason, impulsiveness appears in the actions of adolescents - after all, there is no point in thinking about the situation if all actions are equally correct. They prefer intuition to logic, but intuition fails them, because its accuracy is determined by experience, which adolescents still lack.

They are guided by the opinions of their peers, considering their group judgment more significant than the views and comments of their parents. At the same time, adolescents to the same extent may not fulfill the requirements of both parents and peer groups. This is explained by the fact that, while making high demands on others, they have not yet applied them to themselves.

All this leads to the fact that adolescents share the point of view of an accidental leader of a peer group that is significant for them, and these views for some time become a guideline in planning their own actions. Within such a group, adolescents often relieve themselves of the responsibility of making their own judgments, obeying the opinion of the majority. The more authoritarian the leader, the more skillfully he exploits the highest human values, the easier it is for a teenager to join such a group. That is why sects in their actions are guided precisely by teenagers, and not just teenagers, but lonely and unhappy ones.

Another situation is also possible, when, convinced that there are no differences between good and evil, adolescents join a group that tries certain illegal actions associated with cruelty and violence.

And, finally, having no guidelines and methods for solving problems, adolescents resort to mind-altering chemicals. The choice of specific funds is determined by the place of residence of the teenager and the amount of pocket money. The less money, the higher the likelihood of drinking alcohol, the more money, the higher the likelihood of using drugs.

Our own research has shown that adolescents with the simplest personality structure follow the path of a chemical change in consciousness.

The first experience of drug use is accompanied by a surprisingly pleasant state of excitement and anticipation of long-awaited happiness, leaving an indelible mark on the soul of a teenager who is bombarded with seemingly insoluble problems from all sides. There is an understanding that there are affordable ways to get pleasure, pushing into the background the usual hardships of life. Such an understanding is securely fixed in the mind and is no longer questioned by the perception of any most obvious knowledge about the consequences of such behavior. This is due to the fact that the state of pleasure is experienced really and intensely, and the negative consequences become known from someone else's experience, from which almost no person learns. It is the bright, positive state of pleasure that occurs in a teenager who does not have the mental strength to fight and the skills to overcome difficulties that leads to the emergence of addictive behavior.

The inability to overcome difficulties forms specific mechanisms of protection from the unpleasant consequences of one's behavior. Most often, such a consequence is irresponsibility, since the fulfillment of obligations requires long and hard work, while the dependent teenager is not able and unwilling to endure any difficulties.

To justify themselves, addicted teenagers prefer to lie rather than tell the bitter truth. They do this because they calm themselves first of all. After some time, lying becomes a habit, is born by itself and is not controlled consciously. By doing this, they involve their loved ones in lies, to whom they lie too sincerely (because they themselves are sure of their lies), now those close to them become accomplices in maintaining dangerous habits.

The need for an artificial change in state arises in a dependent teenager when any difficulty arises and, of course, in extreme situations. The state of a person exposed to superstrong influence is called stress. Thus, one of the essential differences between a dependent teenager is his inability to experience stress.

To describe a person's ability to overcome obstacles, RS Lazarus introduced the concept of "coping". The English word coping means the ability to resolve difficult situations, to master them. Tense moments are an integral part of modern life, and how a teenager learns to cope with them largely determines his adaptive potential.

When an extreme situation arises, people either accept it and try to get out of the situation, or they direct all their efforts to delay time in the hope that everything will work out by itself. According to this behavior, two types of coping are distinguished.

Problem-centered coping is manifested in the fact that a teenager makes various attempts to solve a problem that has arisen in him and thereby get out of stress. The opposite is emotion-centered coping, in which the teenager is completely immersed in his emotions and does not try to escape from the situation that led to stress. Such people often complain about the fate that brought down difficult circumstances on them, cry and groan, but do nothing that would help resolve the problem. If the first type of behavior leads to a faster way out of difficult circumstances, then the second gives rise to the manipulation of others in order to involve them in the fate of the victim. To do this, teenagers often resort to a system of lies.

But not everything is determined by the psychological characteristics of a teenager. If relationships in the family lead to the fact that a teenager is punished for any negative actions, then it is possible for him to form a state of learned helplessness. In this case, the teenager loses initiative and interest in life and passively follows the instructions of adults.

He learns that any of his actions does not help in resolving difficulties, but only delays punishment.

So, we can identify four psychological skills, with which, adolescents will never embark on the path of addiction to a chemical substance. These skills include: the ability to be responsible for one's actions, the ability to work, the ability to overcome difficulties and wait. If parents instilled these qualities in their children at an early age, then they may not be afraid of serious problems in adolescence. Moreover, punishments in the family for misconduct should not be strong and inevitable, so as not to form a learned helplessness in a teenager. It is during this period that all the miscalculations of early education acquire a visible realization in the behavior of a son or daughter.

Comment on the article "Why do teenagers lie?"

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You should not hope for a quick re-education, it can be faster in 5 years, but here the case is rather neglected.
If you want to "get into" someone else's family, "step on a sore spot" and become "enemy No. 1", advise:
1. Try not to believe and control everything. I understand that work, problems, etc. etc., so what, throw it away like a boring toy?
2. When a case of lies is revealed, do not “sand” for an hour - you will get used to it, but to show that you are caught and that’s it - it will come, it affects many.
3. His peers do not beat for lying? Will! If the boy is large and “doesn’t get along” with peers, the older guys will teach - after all, not only your friend suffers, but everyone with whom he communicates. Let him prepare for this, sometimes he acts.
4. Don't give a reason to lie. Don't lie yourself, we sometimes lie for a "good cause". "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
5. Have a friend talk to someone he trusts and who can tell him "whatever he thinks of him." Maybe, and most likely, the problem is in the parents, the child is our copy! If it is a “normal” phenomenon in a family to discuss friends, neighbors, while embellishing “for the sake of a red word” - everyone, of course, will be funny, but children learn to lie!
6. It is very influential if the family puts itself above society - it is necessary either to change society or not to "show off" yourself.
7. In general, there are a lot of reasons. Remove the cause first, and then deal with the effect. Vice versa never will not work!

If you mean “to lie halfway”, then after a while, and very little, you will understand what a stupid mistake you made. This is such a push forward in the mind of the child in the correctness of his actions. Such a principle is possible for an adult (but not in front of a child), but it is absolutely unacceptable when raising children!

26.11.2006, 11:05

Constantly catch and force to confess, or just expose, but in such a way that it would be a shame. At the age of 10-12 years old, I could also lie, but my mommy will split anyone you want +) For several years now, my tongue just doesn’t turn to lie, even in small things. And the point is rather not in fear that everything will come up, but simply in conscience. The eight-year-old brother was subjected to cunning psychological experiments a couple of times, during which he either confessed himself or got confused in his lies, and he hardly noticed it during the conversation. Now he is afraid to lie, because he knows that his mother will immediately expose him, she is smarter, wiser, more cunning, etc.

26.11.2006, 13:53

This is a very successful case when, although it seems that the child has “outgrown the disease”, it is not at all like that. The smartest mom "cured"! Sometimes it seems to us that it’s okay, the child will “outgrow”. Maybe so, but much more often it happens that adults already lie with or without reason, and when you catch them, they dodge as best they can, calling it “politics”, “psychology”, etc. In general, they are talking nonsense, and her name is a lie! It is very difficult to work with them as with colleagues.

26.11.2006, 14:44

Such children are very necessary for the country....how can we be without politicians???

vlad_ukr in general, he explained everything clearly, and I’m trying to use my newly acquired skill in communicating with liars ...

26.11.2006, 17:01

Thank you for rating. And I'm interested to know if these skills help you. They help me a lot with both children and adults.
And one more important point: the sooner you catch a child in a lie and show how bad it is (but not with notations, but with how he “sat in a puddle” after a lie), the sooner you will beat off the desire to lie to you. By the way, this applies to adults too!
P.S. And politicians don't lie, they make a history that will be studied by the next generations.

Valeria Alekseevna

26.11.2006, 17:22

I had a period of lying with a child. I quickly brought him to clean water, while I naturally began to shake (the lie was trifles, absolutely unnecessary - just to lie). Since mom is scary in anger, and lying didn’t make sense, because. unmasked, it quickly stopped.

26.11.2006, 21:13

Thank you all very much. The case is really running. I, too, can easily recognize lies in my children, but I don’t know how to help him, a lot, of course, comes from the family, and there are problems there.

26.11.2006, 22:04

Nothing, he will soon learn to lie so that he will not be able to figure it out. It is the matter of time.
And, besides, deception is sometimes very useful for business in some situations to achieve some result, even if later the deception is revealed, then this is no longer terrible, because the result has already been achieved.

28.11.2006, 12:16

Tatik contact a family psychologist who has special training in family therapy. Correspondence councils hardly will help or assist. Send me a PM, I'll give you a hint.

10.12.2006, 23:19

insi, I would very much like to find such a family psychologist, if you have a phone number, you will be very grateful!

10.12.2006, 23:52

If there was a child younger, then a good belt.
And it's already useless to beat.

10.12.2006, 23:53

Break into a fucking drunk cunt ...

It depends on how to beat ... Well, not so that the slate would be blown away ...
Well, humiliate the little one more ...

11.12.2006, 18:22

Hoot you still suggested lowering it
Non-childish methods: _)))

11.12.2006, 19:14

Hoot, poor thing, that's probably what they did to you

11.12.2006, 20:43

I am also not a fan of long notations. There is very little benefit from them for the baby, even less for the older one. It's easier and more accessible to slap on the pope. And it comes faster, and the force can be adjusted - the hand hurts. But the belt should not be treated if you do not want to leave the child disabled. Well, from lying, beating never helped at all.

11.12.2006, 20:45

Can you spoil the bagel?

11.12.2006, 20:49

Did you enjoy this pleasure?

11.12.2006, 21:06

In fact, a belt is a great way to teach discipline, at least it helped me in childhood =) Naturally, it’s not to beat a child half to death, well, it’s useful to spank a couple of times (of course, if the child is a guy, I have no idea how to treat girls = 0) True, at the age of 14 it’s too late to educate with a belt, there is already an almost adult person, he himself must understand where you can lie and where not

16.12.2006, 0:53

My sister also has a similar problem. When she catches a child (10 years old) in a lie, she gives a belt, explaining that this is not because he tried to cover up with this lie, but directly for the fact of a lie. And for lies, the punishment is always stronger. Let's say he gets a deuce and lies that everything is fine at school. Usually, for a deuce, not such a strong punishment awaits him. On Friday, all grades for the week are posted and he gets caught in a lie. So, for lying, he gets a much larger star rating than for "2". Slowly, such a policy is yielding positive results.

A lot depends on who your child is talking to. Pay attention to what kind of friends he has. If in his company lying to parents is cool, then this is a complete disaster and it will be much more difficult to wean from lying.

16.12.2006, 11:15

It is very difficult to influence the choice of friends "Forbidden fruit is always sweet!" Re-educating the whole people is even more difficult. In my opinion, the child should understand where the lie goes and where it doesn't. To act, so to speak, selectively. Yes, this leads to some degree of duplicity. But, I think that if a person allows himself to be lied to, then this is the problem of this individual, and not the rest of the world. Even if your child is crystal honest everywhere, then under the influence of the "environment" this "unpleasant" feature will quickly pass. Who wants to be a "white crow"?

16.12.2006, 22:18

Dodik, now your sister only sows. Whatever reaps will be horrified.

17.12.2006, 17:07

Why be horrified??? Explain if not laziness. I was also brought up that way and nothing, like a moral monster does not look like.

vlad_ukr" you are absolutely right - it is difficult to influence the choice of the teenager's inner circle, but it is possible. We must try to do this not intrusively and preferably imperceptibly. You can try to lower the authority, in the eyes of a teenager, of that person with whom he "does not need to communicate." Talk about him various funny unpleasant and simply shameful stories (the main thing is that the stories are true, otherwise your child will not believe you. And you can shamefully present almost any story.) If you think carefully, you can think of something else. the child's company consists of “difficult ones.” Here it is definitely better to see a psychologist.

17.12.2006, 20:22

of course, you are not a freak at all, just a person who, like others, has some cognitive distortions in your model of the world. This is confirmed by your desire to give such advice.

In all this, the last sentence is the most correct.

18.12.2006, 3:40

Perhaps you are right. I'm not a parenting pro, but that's what I would do. This is my personal opinion and I do not intend to impose it on anyone. And I have no "desire" to give advice. It's just, if I'm not mistaken, the topic is about education, and I gave an example from the life of a person close to me. Whoever considers it necessary will use this information, and if you need a professional opinion, then you should not apply to the forum.

18.12.2006, 19:56

insi, reading your posts, I clearly understand that the cognitive distortions in your model of the world do NOT almost completely coincide with the distortions in my model ... For example, the use of professional terminology outside the professional environment suggests that you are trying not so much to answer in essence show how smart you are...
And cognitivist theories in psychology, as far as I remember, are not the only and certainly not the only true ones ... As far as I remember, the concept of "belt for lying" fits perfectly into behavioral theories ...

18.12.2006, 20:30

Thanks for support. I understand little in psychology, and even more so in terms, and in Yinsi’s statements, I understood little, but the impression that this is a student of some economic faculty with a short course in psychology, put a textbook in front of the computer and tries to be smart. I am a lawyer by education and I can also wrap two or three sentences here, in which it will take 30-40 minutes to understand with a dictionary. But in ordinary life I don’t use professional terms and I don’t advise others.

18.12.2006, 23:06

Ven Sinn, del
Dodik, laughed

19.12.2006, 0:05

Oh, I laughed ... From this post it directly follows that there was a time when you were in dire need of my assessment ...
I'm judging you as a psychologist including this post. And you can still believe that you have a piece of paper on psychological education (and maybe not even one), but it’s hard to believe that you are a good psychologist.

He laughed again, but harder this time. Is this something to do with it?..
insi, if I suddenly need advice on whom and how to lead me, from a person who claims that she is a PRACTICAL psychologist, but at the same time does not know how to build the simplest communication, I will turn to you ...

P.s. In this post, as in the previous one, there is no word on the topic ...

19.12.2006, 1:29

insi I'm sorry... but I totally agree with you.

and the most interesting... in almost all topics where I see you... don't you find it strange?

Princess

19.12.2006, 16:54

19.12.2006, 17:04

and nothing strange, why a smart person should hide it? especially since she has such a profession, to teach people, to instruct the true path, and it is ugly to judge her professionalism by her posts. first get to know her as a psychologist, and then you can speak out, it may turn out that she has every reason to consider herself smart

19.12.2006, 17:24

but, excuse me, in my opinion, it’s ugly to attack people disrespectfully ... and at the same time in such a root, as if you were greatly offended in childhood and in general in life ... and you grew up and now you think: “well, I everyone now "... you might think - we are to blame for this.

the girl would moderate her ardor ... be more respectful with people ... especially since she is a psychologist. it turns out to be a painfully angry and aggressive psychologist, don't you think?

All parents want their children to grow up to be honest people. And everyone, one way or another, is faced with the problem of children's lies. Why is the child telling lies? Is it possible to fight this? If possible, how? Let's try to figure it out.

Many mothers and fathers say that they never punish a child for misconduct - only for lying, and the child continues to deceive. Let's see what exactly angers us so much in this situation?
Obviously, not the offense itself - it can be small and insignificant, like a broken cup. No, the whole horror is that our child is trying to deceive us, that is, he wants to get out of our control! This is a rebellion, and the rebellion must be crushed!
But after all "rebel" – already personality. He defends his freedom and independence. He cannot act by force: adults are much stronger. There is only one way - deceit. The more insistently the angry parent demands a "frank" confession, the more stubbornly the child stands his ground, dying with fear.

Children are well aware that lies irritate adults, but that's exactly what they want - they want to irritate their parents, even if they have to endure punishment. Lies, lies - this is their way of repaying us with the same coin - after all, this is such a "feat": to make parents lose their temper! They prove to themselves that they do not depend on their father and mother, sometimes they even compete with each other, boasting who managed to lie to their parents more.
And now try to answer the question for yourself - whom and in what cases are We deceiving? Yes, yes, we are! After all, we are not going to claim that we have never deceived in our lives? Ultimately, all the variety of answers to this question can be reduced to just two varieties: we deceive either those we pity or those we fear.

Now try to analyze - why is the child lying to you? Is he afraid of you? Regrets? The answer to this question will help you understand the future strategy of your behavior. However, experts say that more often they lie to those who are not safe to tell the truth. And it is not safe at all that physical punishment will follow the lies, it is not safe, these are reproaches, and reprimands and endless moralizing.
So, for example, a teenager will come running from the street wet to the ears and with bruises.
- Fought?
- Fought.
Scold him for fighting (“You could have been left without eyes!”). You will reprimand for being wet (“Just try to get sick now! ..”). Arrange a thrashing for dirty clothes (“You and your father do not appreciate my work at all!”). The next day, the same one will come running.
- Fought?
- No, he fell.
Sovret. Lies to the rescue. And who teaches him to lie? The answer is clear...

How to prevent lying in a child?

What to do, how to prevent the appearance of lies in your relationship?
First, You need to pay attention to the age development of your child. Do not consider him small when he already begins to feel like a teenager. Remember that the "rebel" is already a person. He defends his freedom and independence.

Secondly, take seriously all your teenager's declarations, no matter how stupid and immature they may seem to you. Discuss and review each item with your son or daughter. Make sure that you understand exactly what it means, for example, such a phrase as: “I can decide everything myself!” What exactly is behind it? Go towards his independence, and he will be grateful to you for the trust shown in his personal strengths. I must say that teenagers, as a rule, are afraid of the suddenly opened prospect of being responsible for everything, therefore, by defining positions, you can prevent lies for the sake of self-assertion, the need for which will disappear in the event of the removal of certain prohibitions.

Thirdly, consult with your teenager on every trifle (“What do you think what wallpaper to buy?”, “What cucumbers will we plant this year?

Why do teenagers lie? How to deal with it?

Like last year or try a new variety?”). Entangle him in your problems and the problems of your family. “Again, my grandmother’s blood pressure jumped. What do we do? Call a doctor or buy those pills that helped last time? Let the teenager understand that you really are not in words, but in deeds, you see in him an equal family member to you. By doing so, you prevent lies for the sake of striving to gain power over others, which, as a rule, can be caused by indifference, neglect on the part of adult family members and expressed in hostility and aggression.

Fourth, be sure to do what you want to achieve from your son or daughter. Call home if you are late somewhere. Talk not only about where and with whom you go, but also about the content of your pastime. Give detailed characteristics to your friends and acquaintances. Talk about your feelings and experiences. All this will help you learn more about your child's friends and the time spent together, and about the feelings of your child. Do not hesitate to ask him for advice, then there is a chance that with his problem the child will go to you, and not to the nearest basement. By building relationships in this way, we can avoid lies in order to prevent interference with privacy.

Fifth, don't set a bad example. Remember how many times you promised your child: “On Saturday we will go out of town with you for a picnic.” Saturday comes and you say, “I'm sorry, honey, but I have a lot of urgent things to do. Let's go some other time." The day when the child discovers that you have been deceiving him will be the collapse of your parental authority. From that day on, he will internally allow himself to do the same with you (it doesn’t matter if he realizes it or not). Therefore, if you can’t fulfill it, don’t promise anything to the child, and if you promised, break to smithereens, but keep your promise. Since children, in addition to losing faith in your words, will also take your stereotype of behavior as a model. Therefore, be honest with yourself and with the children, and then the children will be honest with you.
If your relationship with the child is built on mutual trust, equality, if the child knows that you respect his right to privacy and are always ready to help him, then he will be frank with you.

Read the article Tactics, methods and techniques for preventing and overcoming violations in the child's behavior.

What to do if a teenager is lying: a cheat sheet for parents

Approaches to education are determined by the laws and patterns of developmental psychology. The physiological changes of a growing person are also "responsible" for the duration of disobedience, a sharp susceptibility to criticism.

Small children for their behavior will seem like real angels, compared with the test of parental patience, which, with sufficient activity in the teenage world, has its limits.

Children and teenagers: the difference in education

Young children perceive parental authority as a factor of influence and are distinguished by exceptional egocentrism. The processes of self-knowledge and the study of the surrounding world determine the orientation to the opinion and mood of parents as important sources of information.

That is why in early childhood parents are more likely to directly influence the formation of certain personal qualities than when the child reaches that level of independence, which gives them an imaginary reason to consider themselves "experts in the world."

The orientation of children to parental opinion over time is replaced by the paramount importance of the opinions of their peers. The teenager begins to trust them, on the best, in accordance with his subjective perception, representatives of his environment, he tries to equal himself in the hope of earning a significant position in the environment in which he "cooks".

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For adolescents, parents turn into carriers of old value orientations, which does not correspond to the tendency of young people to move forward in knowledge, skills, and experience. While mothers and fathers try to protect their children from harmful external influences, teenagers themselves turn out to be happy participants in “real life”, the advantages of which are the absence of adult control and the creation of refined living conditions with their own hands, as far as possible and affordable.

Children like toys, and teenagers appreciate their own activities; for children, possession of a coveted object for play may for some time become a paramount goal, and for adolescents, instant promotion on the ladder of social achievement would be the best indicator of recognition.

A greater level of parental control and loyal behavior distinguish the upbringing of children from the upbringing of adolescents, for whom the coordination of adults becomes a burden, and behavior in general is difficult to describe and predict.

Children and adolescents are two separate worlds representing different psychological orientations and differently perceiving the factor of adult influence.

Tags: children and teenagers, difference in upbringing

23.03.2015

All of us adults understand that lying is necessary, especially when it comes to social interaction. Why, even when it comes to ordinary communication between friends and loved ones. Imagine telling your friend that he bought a bad car, an apartment, a sweater, or is dating the wrong girl? Let it be 1,000 times true, but in you the natural inclination towards the truth is subordinated to the innate philanthropy - and you are lying.

The perspective and the situation change when you have to raise your child. You must instill in him faith in "good and bright." He does not need to know the whole truth about life at once, otherwise everything in his fate can fall apart at the start. But here's the problem, he lies a lot and often. First, in order to understand the essence of a phenomenon, it is necessary to look at its roots, i.e. the reasons.

Reasons for lying in teenagers

1. Fear of punishment

A child or teenager deceives because they are afraid of moral or physical punishment. Of course, we are all no longer in the Soviet Union, where the belt was the main instrument of education. However, some parents still, to their shame, use forceful methods of influencing the child.

1. natural lie

It must be remembered that in young children the worlds of fantasy and reality come into contact and penetrate each other. And the child often cannot distinguish where is the objective reality and where is the imaginary world. Do not dismiss this option. Yes, 5-year-old and 6-year-old children have imaginary friends, but some retain this worldview until the beginning of adolescence, i.e. 11 - 12 years old.

As an example, consider the friendship between the most famous literary boys - Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. One of them is a pathological deceiver, and the other does not see the point in fantasy, because he has already penetrated deep enough into the living fabric of life and tasted it. Unfortunately, for Huck, it turned out to be bitter.

In other words, if your child lies too much and often, maybe he just hasn’t outgrown some of his childhood fantasies yet, because you love him too much and spend little time talking about how it really is.

1. pathological liar

This is also possible, the child deceives not for the sake of profit or out of fear, but because he likes the very process of writing.

Prevention of lying in teenagers

Here you should immediately make a reservation, it is necessary to exert pressure on a non-child only if the lie greatly hinders either him or you. Simply put, with his lies, he may well hurt someone in the present or future tense.

If your child is lying because of fear of punishment, then you need to talk to him calmly and without scandal, explain that no one will punish him for this offense, but you want him to tell the truth. If the action that he committed needs punishment, then the child must also be punished without scandal and screams, but first explain in detail why he was punished. Such mature behavior of parents "kills two birds with one stone."

Firstly, it will teach the child to be responsible for his actions on his own, i.e.

he learns what responsibility is.
. Secondly, he will no longer be afraid to tell the truth, because the consequences, although serious, do not hurt the pride of the child as painfully as screams and swearing.

If your child is still in the grip of such a phenomenon as “natural lies”, then he should be released from the tenacious parental embrace as soon as possible and shown that life, in fact, is not a wonderful dream. But this must be done not like a soldier - rudely, but only with patience and tact, patience and tact.

If your child is an "incorrigible liar", and this bothers you a lot. In addition, you do not see serious writing inclinations in him, then you need to somehow make him natural because of his lies (i.e. the initiative should not come from parents, they should not demonstrate their power in some way above the child) by a combination of circumstances lost something terribly important to him. Usually this turn of events quickly cures such a disease.

We hope that we have conveyed to you, parents, one simple truth: in order to overcome the problem of lies, you must constantly talk with your child, constantly be in close emotional and psychological contact with him. After all, both a teenager and a child in general can lie to get your attention, so be careful!

Children grow up, problems grow. Until recently, it seemed that the main dilemma was how to properly dress a child on the street. Even yesterday, the main thing was to explain in an accessible way why it’s not good for Lenochka to pull the pigtails ... But today the child already teaches how to live, and often baffles with his behavior. How to be, how to come to an understanding, when you can’t figure it out like a child, but you haven’t had time to learn like an adult yet?

Our consultant Elena Lukyanenko, child psychologist

The art of learning to listen
or “I don’t want to hear anything!”
“My 14-year-old daughter is completely out of hand: she does not react at all when I ask her to do something. It makes it look like I'm not even around. But I know that she is not deaf: she hears the tape recorder and TV very well and communicates with her friends on the phone without any problems. And I’m already tired of repeating: “How many times do I have to tell you?!” - still no answer. "Get off!" - and that is not always deigns to say. Today, her standard reactions to my requests and questions are: “Take out the trash” - silence; "Did you complete your homework?" - leaves the room; "When will you clean your room?" - starts playing a computer game. I can not take it anymore!!! What to do?"

“She thinks I’m deaf or stupid! Repeats a hundred times what can be said once. Well, I don’t always do it, because you can’t remember everything. And she, no, in order to put forward her demands to me in order - she will immediately dump everything on her head, and figure it out as you like. Either to urgently walk with the dog (otherwise it will do its job), or to do homework, or to clean up the desk that has not been cleaned since yesterday (“I remind you for the hundredth time!”). I’m not some kind of miracle machine that remembers everything, builds it in the right order and performs it at the same time, I and my girlfriend want to chat, and watch the series!

Psychologist's comment
It seems that most teenagers these days show selective hearing. Sure, they hear music, friends, and even the most unintelligible lyrics, but when it comes to responding to their parents' requests, it's a different story. Have you tried yelling and threatening to get attention? No wonder: according to the survey, the most common among the difficult moments of raising a teenager was the item "my child does not hear me." So, we must try to get through to him by other methods.

Step 1.
The easiest way to get a child's attention is to say less, not more. Oddly enough, in this case, you increase the likelihood of being understood and heard. The famous American educator Mary Budd Rowe discovered that children need more time to think about what they hear before they say something. So if you ask your daughter (son) a question or ask for something, wait at least three seconds - the child will take in more information and, quite possibly, give a normal answer.

Step 2
Be an attentive listener yourself. Your growing up child simply cannot become an attentive listener if he does not have someone to learn this from. Make sure that you yourself can serve as an example of what you require from your daughter (son). Show that you listen to your husband, friends, family and, of course, the child himself. Listen to your daughter (son) twice as much as you speak.

Step 3
Speak politely and…quietly. The fastest way to make a teenager not pay attention to you is if the voice clearly contains criticism, orders, lectures, condemnation, screaming and pleading. Just talk to him politely - as you would like to be spoken to. And instead of raising your voice, lower it - speak softer and quieter. Usually this is taken by surprise, and the daughter (son) will stop to listen. After all, it is not for nothing that teachers use this technique so successfully.

Step 4
Pay attention to yourself before you say something. First, make sure that your daughter (son) is looking at you (ask to look at you - this technique works even with husbands). When you look into each other's eyes - the child is at your disposal, you can formulate your request or question. Doing this all the time when you need your daughter's (son's) attention will teach her (him) to listen to you.

Step 5
Sometimes it is really difficult for teenagers (and not only) to switch on the go, especially if they are busy with what they really like. Moreover, the child may not really hear you. Then give warnings - set a time limit: "I need your help in two minutes" or "I want to talk to you in a minute, please take a break." (But you should not delay it for more than five minutes - you will forget again.)

Step 6
Try to be short, soft, and precise. At this age, the daughter (son) becomes more receptive if she knows that she will not have to listen to a whole lecture. Therefore, let your requests be short and to the point: “Please clean up the closet before you go for a walk”, “Now you need to learn physics”, etc. Extreme brevity often helps - sometimes one reminder word is enough: “ Cleaning!”, “Algebra!”.

From rudeness to respect
or “What do you understand?!”
“My Anton grew up as a kind and calm boy with good manners. Of course, my husband and I tried to instill them in him, because we were sure: if you teach him from childhood, then good manners and respectful attitude will become the norm for him in communicating with loved ones and in general with people around him. But now Anton has entered the so-called "difficult" age. He is 13 years old, he already, according to him, fully feels like an adult, but with this adulthood, completely new features appeared in him - he stopped obeying, he was rude all the time, arguing, no matter what I told him, no matter what I asked. I hear only casually thrown: “Yeah, now!”, “You don’t tell me!”, “What do you even understand?” etc. I don’t know why he suddenly became like this and what to do now ... "

“How can I explain to my ancestors that I am no longer a little boy, but I am finally becoming an adult?! I want them to talk to me accordingly, otherwise it’s even uncomfortable in front of friends when my mother calls me Antonchik, takes care of me like a little one. I've already grown up! I become a man. How else can I talk? And when I somehow famously answer them on an equal footing, such scandals with lamentations begin! So what do they understand? They can't even talk properly."

Psychologist's comment
Very often in adolescence, children, in connection with the need to feel like adults, show such features as rudeness, disrespect (rather, a slightly dismissive attitude). Yes, it happens that the reason is an elementary lack of education, but not always! It's just that during the period of formation, a teenager does not know how to show his adulthood, and finds the easiest way - rudeness, bold phrases that he could not afford before. And here it is very important for parents to behave correctly in order not just to yell and “press” with authority, but to correct the situation.

Step 7
First of all, speak to him on an equal footing, do not lisp and do not suppress - let him feel his importance, significance, so that he does not look for other ways to get this feeling. Consult with him more often in various family matters - it is possible that he will offer some fresh solution, and there is no need to be rude in such a situation, moreover, rudeness here will look childish.

Step 8
When your child is being rude, point it out to him right away so he always knows he's crossed a line. The main thing is that your comments should be directed to his behavior, and not to the very personality of the child. For example: “When I talk to you, you roll your eyes (grin). This is a sign of disrespect. You don’t have to do this anymore”, “Telling me to leave me alone when I’m talking to you is unacceptable. Try to make sure I don't repeat it again."

Step 9
Feel free to tell him the right way. Do not think that the child himself knows how to behave correctly. Just try to do this not in the form of moralizing, but during a friendly conversation, even better - by your own example. Pay attention to how you, adults, communicate with each other in the family. Maybe it's all about that? No wonder they say that no matter how much we teach our children good manners, they will still behave like their parents. Try a lesson in good manners during lunch: talk all together at ease on any topic you choose - politely.

Step 10
Never get into an argument. No need to defiantly sigh, shrug your shoulders, show that you are angry. How not to persuade, exhort, swear - such tactics never work, but only exacerbate such behavior. Studies show that teens stop being rude when they see that it's... not effective at getting your attention. So stay neutral, don't answer. For example, look distantly at something, and if it doesn't help, close yourself in another room. Just refuse to continue the conversation while the son (daughter) is rude, and do this ALWAYS.

Step 11
An important point: try to correct the child if he behaves incorrectly and rudely, in private, and not in the presence of other adults or teenagers. Otherwise, you may run into even greater rudeness - remember that your child is no longer small and painfully perceives any criticism addressed to him, especially in public!

Step 12
Rewarding respectful, correct behavior as often as possible is the easiest way to get what you want. But according to research, parents of teenagers in most cases do just the opposite: instead of paying attention to the good, they constantly point out the bad. And therefore, as soon as you see or hear that your “rude” is showing politeness or respect, be sure to praise him, appreciate his efforts, even if it didn’t quite work out, but you see that he tried. See how he likes it!

Children quarrel - do not judge, but reconcile,
or “She put plasticine on my disk!” - "And he stepped on my Barbie!"
“I am constantly in tension: my children, 12-year-old Romka and 6.5-year-old Alenka, constantly quarrel, despite the difference in age. Moreover, it is even more difficult for an older person to explain something than for a younger one. Roma says that I only do what I protect Alena, but I don’t give a damn about his opinion. But if I do not interfere at all, then these two will spend the whole day like this - screaming and bickering. If the husband is at home, I call for his help - he arranges analytical "showdowns" according to all the rules for a couple of hours, and then for some time there comes a truce. But it can't go on like this all the time!"

“In general, you should sit in a corner in silence - I am doing important homework, to which you have not grown up yet!” - "Who? I? Yes, I can speak when I want and where I want, because it is useful for the development of speech! “How dare you press Escape at such a moment!!! I love you now…” - “Mommy, daddy!! Roma is killing me! I didn't break or spill anything! “Ma-ama! He dunks the keyboard from tea with a new Barbine cape!!” - “Yes, some kind of dark flap, how did I know? Think, cloak!

Psychologist's comment
Quarrels between children - brothers and sisters - often become an almost insoluble problem in the family. And especially when the difference in the age of children is large enough. It would seem, the parents think, that the elder will grow up, will help the younger, pity and love him, but it was not so - the jealousy of a teenager is much more difficult to pacify. Sometimes all this is somehow solved by itself, but sometimes there are deadlocks - the conflict goes very far. Nothing surprising, no need to go crazy and lament how bad everything is. Better try to soften their quarrels, make them treat each other more peacefully.

Step 13
Don't take sides (you'll still be guilty). During their conflicts, give advice only when they are at an impasse. Taking sides creates resentment in children, and then accusations that your youngest is your favorite.

Step 14
Calm down everyone. Intervene when emotions are already heated enough, but the scandal has not yet begun. Move the "enemies" into rooms and leave them there until they calm down, saying: "Stay there until you can speak calmly." Since the younger one may well begin to whine and rage, he must be calmed separately: ask the child to jump five times, jerking his arms and legs, and then take three deep breaths - unusual, but very helpful.

Step 15
Sometimes all that is needed to resolve a quarrel is for someone to acknowledge the child’s offense. For example: “You are upset because you think that your sister is treated more fairly than you”, “You are upset because you can’t wait for your turn to play on the computer.”

Step 16
Let everyone - both older and younger - have their say. To help them feel that they are really being heard, ask each person in turn to explain what happened. And ask the other child to pay attention and listen to the one who is explaining. Have everyone start the explanation with "I", not "you", then tell the problem and suggest a solution. This will help children focus on the conflict without putting the other person down. You can not interrupt the child, but if you think that you did not understand, ask for an explanation: "Could you explain it to me again?" When the child has finished, briefly tell your version to show him that you understand.

Step 17
Make the children part of the solution. Ask both the youngest and the oldest what they would do to solve "their" problem. And do not dismiss it - they say, they will say such a thing! Involving children in the “resolving” of a quarrel often just makes you stop, think and calm down. Establish decision rules: do not interrupt, do not suppress, speak only in a calm voice. By speaking in turn, they will learn to listen to each other. And then you can try to give them, for example, five minutes to resolve the quarrel, and clearly note the time, for example, using an alarm clock or ... a microwave.

Step 18
Look at the problem from the other side. Often children are so caught up in the feeling that they are being treated unfairly that they don't even think about how others might feel. Therefore, often say: “Now look at the situation from the other side. How do you think your sister feels?

Lies? Yes, no life!, Or
"Well, I lied..."
“My son lies to me all the time - for any reason, in situations where this could not have been done. About what he does homework, while in fact he is dueling with computer knights, that he will come home at nine, and comes home at ten, that it is Vovka's neighbor, and not he, scrawled obscene words in the corridor, etc. e. Even on trifles, just like that. For example, I ask: did you walk the dog? - answers “yes”, and she, poor thing, got dirty in the corridor in half an hour! Why is he doing this? Indeed, in many cases, a lie immediately pops up, and he understands this. And still lies! And how many things I still don’t know!”

“What is there to be angry about? I don’t kill anyone, I don’t rob, I don’t offend the younger ones. This is Vitek from the neighboring class doing dirty tricks: recently he wanted to annoy his enemy Vlad, so he stole something from one girl and threw it on Vlad. She threw Vladka into a scandal! And at the same time, Vitek was kind and fluffy, he told his mother at home how he calmed this Natasha and what a bastard Vlad was. Vitka's mother thinks that he is the best son, and he has already done so many tricks! That’s a lie, but with me, it’s like that ... Mother usually listens to me out of the corner of her ear (not like Vitkin), only conversations: “Did you do it?”, “Did you go there?”

Psychologist's comment
Unfortunately, all parents face the lies of their children at one time or another. Only now, in adolescence, lying, if, moreover, it took place earlier, becomes more familiar to the child, he lies more often. And it's not just a difficult age - there are more and more secrets from parents, and therefore reasons to lie. In addition, many teenagers resort to lying in communication with peers - to embellish their qualities, abilities and abilities. It is very bad when it becomes a habit, and the statement: “It will pass by itself” is clearly inappropriate here. You need to try gently, delicately, but decisively to wean your son (daughter) from lying.

Step 19
Assume honesty and demand truthfulness. Continually explain your attitude to honesty: "Everyone in our family should be honest with each other." But before that, consider what kind of example of honesty you are setting. Do you yourself use “innocent” lies? Asked your child to answer the phone that you are not at home when you are? Do you always return the extra money if you were given the wrong change? Did you buy tickets somewhere at the price for children (under 12 years old) when yours is already 13? Showing off at home if you managed to do something somewhere…? That's right, every time you do this, you allow your "grateful student" to do the same. Start with yourself.

Step 20
Analyze why he cheats and identify the reason. As a rule, a teenager begins to lie first of all in order to attract the attention of parents, adults, and friends. In second place is envy, despair, resentment or anger. And on the third - fear of punishment or fear of letting parents down. Moreover, a direct question on this topic does not work: they, as a rule, do not know for sure the real reasons for the constant lies. Analyze for yourself: when did the lies begin? what does he usually cheat on? Who is he lying to - everyone or just some? why?

Step 21
Ask questions that will help the child understand for himself what is wrong, and wait for an answer. For example: “What will happen if everyone in our family starts deceiving each other?”, “How would you feel if I deceived you?”, “If you don’t keep your word, how can I trust you?”, “If I will promise you something very important for you, and then I will say that I lied? etc.

Step 22
Don't overreact to exaggeration or distortion of the truth. This, of course, is easier said than done, but it's worth repeating, teenagers often lie to get attention. If your child did just that, try to remain calm - from your screaming and lamentations, he will only want to run away to hell, but in no way become honest. And treat his interests more loyally - do not give a thrashing for every minor violation or disobedience, otherwise it will be easier for him to lie than to tell you the truth.

Step 23
Explain why lying is bad. Yes, yes, your big son (daughter) needs it too. Approach the issue directly and give strong arguments: lying can lead to trouble, and maybe to very big trouble; reputation also suffers, and very much; this offends, especially those closest to you, etc. For clarity, turn on your fantasy and come up with some episode that will lead to sharply negative consequences and that will affect your child specifically.

Step 24
Enter "penalty" for lying. Moreover, choose a method so that your son (daughter) does not start to be afraid of you (and again lie), but does not want to deceive. For example: let each time, having deceived, write in writing an apology to the “victim” - mother, father, brother, sister. Or a small essay outlining at least five arguments about the perniciousness of lying (and it will be useful for you to read in order to understand the child) - maybe it will be easier for him to tell the truth?

Authority is not a vice, but one must restrain oneself, or
“Either in my opinion, or not at all!”
“Our 11-year-old daughter has become very bossy. She commands all her friends and believes that everything should be just the way she wants. She herself decides which film she and her friends will go to the cinema, and achieves this as soon as she can, even if not everyone is in favor; she tells who it is better for someone to be friends with or not to be friends with - because SHE does not like it. At home, the younger brother does not have the right to take a treat before her, because she must choose the first one, also with a game on the computer or watching TV. At first I reassured myself that this is not bad, all the makings of a leader, but now it goes beyond. I see: if she does not stop, then because of this excessive self-confidence, she will lose all her friends. I'm trying to fight it, but I don't know how."

“Since I manage to achieve my goal, it means that it’s good, it means that my friends respect me. How would your brother like it? So that I give in to him, because he is small? It’s enough that his parents indulge him in everything, let him know that it happens differently. ”